DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY
In Advanced Bagholding & Theoretical Poverty
With Highest Distinction in Portfolio Destruction
The Board of Trustees of Bagholders University
upon recommendation of the Faculty of Failed Investments
hereby confers upon
Your Name Here
▸ Lost $100,000 with unwavering conviction
▸ Achieved -99.99% returns consistently
▸ Mastered buying high, selling low
▸ Perfected "Following Jim Cramer's advice"
▸ Ignored 247 risk warnings
▸ Survived 69 margin calls
▸ Diamond handed to bankruptcy
▸ Graduated Summa Cum Losses
▸ Thesis: "From Wealth to Wendy's"
▸ Published: "How to Lose Everything"
Magna Cum Laude in Bagholding • Summa Cum Losses • Phi Beta Kappa (Poor Beta Knowledge)
Warren Buffet
Dean of Bagholding
Warren Buffett*
Chief Executive Officer of Losses
💰
Jim Cramer
Provost of Poverty
Jim Cramer*
Director of Bad Financial Advice
This certificate is awarded on the 18th day of January, 2025
Certificate Number: HODL-42069-REKT-PHD
Blockchain Verified: 0x00000000000000REKT
"In Losses We Trust" • "E Pluribus Bagholder" • "Veni, Vidi, Vendidi at a Loss"
*This is a parody certificate for entertainment purposes only. Not endorsed by Warren Buffett, Jim Cramer, or any real financial institution.
Not redeemable for actual academic credit. Bagholders University is not an accredited institution. Your losses, however, are very real.